Attunement in a Time of Chaos

We are currently living in unprecedented times. I have been hearing people discussing the current state of the world in America as living in a "fractured reality”. The institutions that many people have looked to for reliance and safety are now crumbling. As we learn more and more about the abuse that has been happening in the highest positions of power in this country, it can be hard to put into words exactly what sort of emotional responses this elicits and the physical responses that come with it. Recent events have put many people, particularly those who belong to marginalized groups, into a state of survival. This is a normal response to what has been going on. You may have heard a lot about learning to ground and regulate our emotions while things appear to be crumbling around us in real time, and there is a place for these tools.

However, one important tool that I have not heard many people talk about is Attunement.

What is Attunement?

You may or may not have heard this before within the context of a therapeutic setting or when discussing a parent-child connection. Attunement is a psychological practice of being able to recognize and accurately respond to another person's emotional cues that arise. Sounds easy, right? Well, it might not come so easily at first. We’ve been taught to try to fix our emotions as quickly as possible in order to solve the problem and make that uncomfortable feeling go away. I could go on about this subject in particular, but that will be a different topic for a different day. Rather than trying to fix the emotional response, learning to attune to it can have better results for everyone involved. This is notable in parent-child relationships or in a therapeutic setting. For example, a young child who fell down and began to cry, the parent might show attunement by sitting with the child while they are crying, and labeling the emotion (“you’re feeling frustrated”). This helps to validate and regulate their feelings, which can lead them to feeling more calm, and safe, and strengthening the relationship.

Similarly, in a therapeutic relationship, clinicians may sit with the client while they are having an emotional response to something they have been discussing or working through. Attuning to the client, it helps them to feel heard and understood and strengthens the therapeutic alliance. The concept of Attunement comes from John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in their theory of attachment styles. Attunement is a key component to creating a safe and secure attachment style within a child, thus creating healthy relationships in adulthood.

So, why is Attunement so important with everything going on right now?

Wow, you ask really good questions.

Being able to attune to someone and hone in on what they are feeling has the power to make someone feel seen and heard. Two things that can be hard to come by in a world that values output and shoving our emotions to the side for the sake of getting the job done. When we can attune to one another's emotions, we are not only creating a safe space for their emotions to be heard and therefore valued, but we are creating a safe space for their bodies to step out of survival mode and relax. Attunement is a vital resource and an essential part of building community. How we utilize attunement is vital to helping us understand each other and how we can get through these difficult times together. Yes, there is a place for regulating our nervous systems - but there is also radical power in being able to accept the emotions of others (and ourselves) as they come up, even if we do not fully know what to do for one another.

Now that we have a deeper understanding of attunement, you may be asking yourself at this point, how do I practice this? Again, another great question. There are several ways to practice and deepen our practice for attunement.

A few things to try can include:

Active Listening

When listening to another person who may be having an emotional response, it is vital to pay attention to understand the feeling or the need that is being discussed, rather than listening to reply.

Use Mirroring Statements

It can be easy when talking to another person to get lost in the weeds and the small details. To cut through this metaphorical grass, it can be helpful to repeat or reflect on the main point that the other person is trying to make. (“It sounds like you’re feeling/you’re experiencing ___). Bonus points if you use a follow-up question afterwards (“Is that right?”, “Am I missing something?”).

Honor Your Own Emotions

When someone else is talking about something that might be intense for them, it can often elicit emotional responses within ourselves. This is normal and part of human empathy. If this happens, do not try to dismiss or run from your own emotional responses. Instead, welcome what is coming up. How is this emotion similar to what the other person is feeling or experiencing?

Validate!

It can be easy and quick to dismiss the emotional response of the other person (“It’s not THAT bad” or “many people have it way worse”). Raise your hand if you’ve heard that before. In the long run, when we dismiss the emotional responses of others, rather than validating them, we cause long-term damage not only to our interpersonal relationships but also to our own mental health as well. Being able to validate the person having an emotional response has the power to diffuse the situation and make them feel as though they are not alone. It is worth noting that right now, many people who belong to marginalized groups are more likely to be experiencing intense emotional responses as a result of the current political climate in the United States, and the feelings that come up as a result of this mass targeting are valid. Whether it be fear, sadness, or anger - it is all valid, and there is a place for each of those emotions.

Right now, there is a large focus on building community. As it has become more and more apparent that those with positions of power in this country are only concerned with lining their own pockets, people are coming together to form a community with one another.

How can you use Attunement to strengthen your ties in the community?

In Solidarity,

Thea