Navigating the Holidays With Heart: Grief, Boundaries, and Filling Your Cup

The holiday season is often known as joyful, exciting, and offers a certain glow of twinkling lights and a lighthearted connection. But beneath everything that it seems to offer, others may resonate with the idea that it is not exclusively a time for joy. Rather, it can collide with other feelings of stress, anxiety, grief, pressure, or burnout; all of which can become overly consuming.

If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone.

In this space, we will explore three themes to support you through the holidays.

• Why the Holiday Season is so hard sometimes

• Honoring your boundaries

• Filling up your cup

Why is The Holiday Season So Hard Sometimes?

At Intuitive Heart, we honor lived experiences-including the many ways that grief shows up. Maybe it is because we lost a loved one, are experiencing a life transition, going through financial hardship, a change in lifestyle habits, coping with illness, navigating a divorce, leaving a friendship, or are far away from home. This can invoke so many different emotions for us; staying in our memories and become physically exhausting. It creates difficulties in communicating and connecting with others, distorts our sense of identity, or cause us to live in a state of uncertainty-caught in a loop of “I could have, would have, or should have.

I remember my first holiday after losing a loved one. Christmas was their favorite holiday and I just could not bring myself to be around anyone during the holidays. I was engulfed in grief and all I could think about were all of the things I did not get the chance to do. I spent the entire holiday ruminating, absolutely consumed with regret and in a constant cycle of negativity. It was not until I learned about the impact of negative self-talk that I recognized the importance of needing to break that cycle.

Did you know that when you engage in negative self-talk, for example, “it was my fault” or “I could have done more” - it activates our sympathetic nervous system (flight, fight, freeze, or fawn), and surges a rise in cortisol levels that impact our prefrontal cortex? This often impacts our abilities making it challenging to make decisions, plan events, control impulses, regulate emotions, and access working memory.

According to Dale Carnegie, an American writer and lecturer, the average person spends about 95% of their time thinking about themselves, trying to make sense of their world in their minds, and creating their own narratives. A thought for reflection, if we spend that much time in our minds, how can we make it a safe space for ourselves by practicing self-compassion?

Practicing self-compassion can look like giving ourselves gentle reminders: one thing I’m doing well, one thing about myself I’m proud of, or one small truth I can hold on to today. Whatever it may be, let’s create space for it.

When navigating grief, many experience some or even none of the five emotional states of grief, and whether we are in a state of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, or none of these stages; it is so important to give ourselves grace.

It is okay to give grief a place at the table. Here are a few gentle ways to care for yourself through your grief this holiday:

• Honor old memories and traditions that still bring comfort.

• Create space for new new traditions that reflect where you are now.

• Validate your feelings.

• Plan ahead.

• Lean on someone from your circle of comfort when you have the capacity.

• Express yourself in creative ways.

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Move at your own pace and let your healing unfold without rushing it.

Honoring Your Boundaries

Let’s pause for a moment- take a deep breath and check in with yourself:

What does my emotional capacity look like right now?

I used to often ask myself why we need boundaries... And especially now, why do we need them during the holiday season, and what even are they?

Here is what they are not: boundaries are not walls, punishment, selfishness, disobedience, rejection, or something that harms you.

This time of the year can bring up unique challenges. Old patterns reappear, expectations rise, and comments that normally roll off your back may sting just a little more. You might even notice that you are giving so much of yourself to; work, to family, to friends-that by the end of the day, you are simply exhausted. Boundaries help protect your emotional energy so you can move through the season with more balance, clarity, and peace. Boundaries are compassionate lines meant to keep you safe emotionally and physically. They involve being intentional about defining what you choose to keep in and out of your life; guiding how you allow others to treat you, how you spend your energy, and what makes an environment feel safe.

Imagine you’re at a holiday dinner and someone makes a comment that crosses a line. In that moment, you have full permission to protect yourself. That might look like:

• Clarifying what is or isn’t okay.

• Naming how something affects you.

• Stepping away from interaction.

• Choosing not to over-explain yourself.

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How are we being mindful about enforcing it? A few suggestions are to appear confident, stand tall, speak in a clear voice, and make eye contact while communicating. And remember: Healthy boundaries mean you can say ‘no’ to others and also respect when others say ‘no’ to you.

Boundaries also include recognizing our capacity and where our limits lie. Sometimes, the best gifts can be the hardest to say:

Although boundaries can be hard, stay focused on what is within your locus of control.

This can help you honor what makes you feel emotionally safe.

How Are You Filling Your Cup This Holiday Season?

In a season filled with so much giving- your time, money, energy, presence; at Intuitive Heart, we gently encourage you to pour as much into yourself as you pour into others. Remember that you deserve to receive as well.

Self-care is the foundation that allows you to show up authentically, without feeling depleted.

Here are a few gentle suggestions as to what recharging may look like:

• Enjoy the glimmers of the holiday season- take a pause to stop, notice, appreciate, and remember while savoring the small moments of joy

• Set limits that are within your capacity to do so

• Rest without guilt

• Take time off of work

• Stay connected with a loved one- whether that may be in person, through text, or sharing a photo

• Practice gratitude in gentle ways

• Engage in your favorite activity

• Explore and adventure

• Ask for help if overwhelm arises

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Finding moments of joy and gratitude can help reduce stress and anxiety, build emotional resilience, highlight the positive aspects of the holiday, and enhance dopamine and serotonin.

Here is a gentle reflection activity to practice gratitude: What is something that went well today, this week, or this month?

At Intuitive Heart, we are grateful that you authentically showed up and are here, reading and engaging with us.

This holiday, as you give gifts, time, or love- remember to give something to yourself as well. Buy yourself that jacket you always wanted, try that new activity you were always interested in, reconnect with an old friend; something small to remind you that you matter.

Closing Thoughts

The holidays do not look the same for everyone. For some, this season is full of celebration; for others, it is a season of healing. Wherever you are this year-grieving, reconnecting, relaxing, or simply surviving; you are allowed to move at your own pace and choose what nourishes you. And you are never alone.