Attachment in Relationships

“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

-Brene Brown

The experience of feeling seen, heard, and valued often signal emotional safety and comfort. It often provides an answer to a core attachment question in relationships:

“Do I matter in this relationship?”

Couples often consider relationship therapy for various reasons. It can range from an array of factors such as poor communication, trust issues, infidelity, emotional distance, financial conflicts, concerns with intimacy, parenting, or major life changes. At Intuitive Heart Counseling, we support couples in navigating these challenges and also bring to light the individual experiences within the relationship. Collaboratively, we explore how these factors impact relationship dynamics, identify patterns, and explore the “why” behind these behaviors. A key part of this often involves identifying attachment styles and exploring how it impacts the relationship.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles divide into two categories: secure attachment and insecure attachment. Insecure attachment further divides into three subcategories: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Let’s explore how our attachment styles impact how we think about and behave in relationships. This deeply influences how a person may relate to their partner, navigate conflicts, express vulnerability, and communicate wants and needs.

Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with being close to their partner, while maintaining their independence. They trust that their partner is reliable, emotionally available, and communicates their wants and needs. When conflict arises, it is approached with a softened start-up and mindset of repair. Both partners feel seen and heard, creating a space where empathy, active listening, and emotionally focused conversations take place. In these relationships, connection feels reciprocal and sustained.

Individuals with anxious attachment often crave closeness, but there is a fear of abandonment that is rooted in them. This individual might be asking themselves if their love is enough for their partner. They read into every tone, gesture, or action, and it leads to a constant need for reassurance. Expressing wants and needs are often found to be difficult due to a fear of their partner withdrawing from them or taking love away. This can create tension if needs are unmet. Their partner might feel overwhelmed by the intensity, feeling unsure of how to respond, and perhaps even feel guilty for wanting space. The anxious partner’s deep care can foster emotional intimacy, but these patterns can lead to cycles of worry and conflict.

Those with avoidant attachment value independence and self-reliance, often withdrawing when intimacy feels threatening. I was once asked, “What is wrong with wanting independence outside of my relationship?” My response was that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we need to ask ourselves if what we are doing is because we feel secure in the relationship or if it is because we worry about burdening the other person. This is not to say that an individual with avoidant attachment does not know how they are feeling, rather it’s a protective factor in their relationship. This protective mechanism of “I’ve been hurt before, so I’ll avoid expressing myself to stay safe”, can leave their partner feeling misunderstood, shut out, or longing for reassurance.

Individuals with disorganized attachment often experience a push-pull dynamic in relationships, yearning for closeness but fearing it simultaneously. Here is an example of what may be going on in the individual’s mind: "I want to give love, but if I give too much, it might push them away—so I will hold back. I also want to receive love, but I feel torn between giving my all and protecting myself. I am unsure of how to balance my needs with theirs. I don’t want to get hurt again." This internal struggle can feel exhausting and confusing. This attachment style often stems from traumatic past experiences, creating a cycle of intense longing and self-protection. Their partner might feel uncertain about where they stand and feel as though they are walking on eggshells in fear of conflict or rejection.

Why Is This Important In Couples Counseling?

Couples often seek counseling when there is a rupture in the relationship that has significantly impacted it; sometimes, the rupture stems from previous conflicts that have built up over time. At Intuitive Heart, we explore with curiosity: How is this impacting your ability to show up authentically in your relationship, and how does fear of judgment affect your connection? Understanding attachment styles gives couples the chance to approach each other with thoughtfulness and empathy, moving towards growing into a more secure way of relating and connecting to the more vulnerable parts of each other.

Why Do I Have This Attachment Style?

Attachment dynamics are often rooted in early experiences. In the earlier parts of life, we learn about relationships through what we witness and personally experience.

A gentle question for reflection involving your upbringing:

How did your parents or guardians interact with each other, and what did you observe from each of them?

Do these patterns show up in your current relationship?

Our brain stores experiences in the amygdala. This part of our brain activates our flight, fight, freeze, or fawn responses when triggered. When we are affected by an early experience; our amygdala also stores and processes emotional components of memories. The analogy I like to use is this: Your amygdala is like a large filing cabinet. When your prefrontal cortex communicates with the amygdala, it opens up the filing cabinet where the experience was stored and references your early experiences to guide your reaction to certain events. Although, I’d like to preface that these patterns don’t always come from childhood either. They can emerge from early romantic relationships as well.

In couples counseling, we explore these “files,” understanding what experiences are related to your attachment style and how it impacts the relationship. This leads to a guided question for gentle reflection between the partners: “How can I make you feel safe and secure in this relationship?” My favorite tool to introduce is the W.A.I.T. technique (Why Am I Talking?). Take a moment to ask yourself this during a conversation with your partner because it helps you identify what is coming up for yourself. “Am I speaking to reassure, explain, defend, or criticize?” When we check in with ourselves, it can help us identify what our partner truly needs and respond to it. We create opportunities for connection in feeling seen, heard, and valued.

Closing Thoughts

Whether you are here to seek profound clarity, gain a better understanding of yourself or your partner, or are simply curious about how attachment styles affect relationships, thank you for your effort. Better understanding our attachment styles helps us recognize why we respond the way we do in relationships and how our patterns impact our partners. At Intuitive Heart, we resonate with how important it is to nurture relationships and create partnerships where love, trust, and emotional connection flourish.